Fall sick again... caught some flu from dunno where. My boss said I look tired... and my mum commented that I look like a panda just now, when she walked pass.

Hmm... I do feel a little uncomfortable, like my nose going to drop off anytime ^^U. But but but, I am feeling really happy now, cos he called. I wanted to meet him for din tonite, but he was held back in camp. He called twice when I was going home and when I reached. Had a nice chat... funny, we actually chatted for quite some time, like half an hour or more. I feel really happy after talking to him (eariler on I was rather disappointed, I so missed him -_-).

So this week, I only got to meet him on Friday, Saturday and today for a few hours. And yah, I know he is tired, has a lot of other things in mind he wants to tend to... that's why he wasn't very attentive half the time when we were together.

I don't blame him. It just make me feel sad to see that he isn't taking good care of himself these few weeks.

Today marks 1 year and 5 mths we are together. But guess it is just another busy day for him, since he had to go back to camp. He came over to play with the hamsters for awhile and left.

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on, but really I do feel a little lonely at times...

I am a horrible liar.

I miss him. Because I do, I feel upset, I feel frustrated over things he did or he didn't do. Because he hasn't been able to be around recently.

I know he didn't want to. I feel really bad to be feeling upset, to be feeling lonely.

I told him I would take care of myself, I would not be sad when he is not around... but in actual I couldn't do so well.

I am such a wimp.

I am not being myself recently...

Was in IRC last nite talking to his friends...my friends too, abt him not quitting smoking. I didn't know why it's getting on me more and more recently. -_-... My reflex reaction towards smokers and smoking is getting really obvious, even in public (yes I am the kind who will literally cover my nose in disgust and try to walk to somewhere without smokers).

And we spoke about having a citeria in choosing a partner. We all have, and we are always constantly evaluating. I mentioned he didn't really meet my citeria. Which is quite true (but in nature wise, he does fits into the basics I wanted from a person). But he taught me that in love, something like a citeria is not important anymore, that's why I have accepted who he is as he is. There's only little things that grates on my nerves.

I know, I am not that kind of girl he wants too. Really, I am not a person whom is easily accepted by people or easily accepting people. That's why I fear getting close to anyone. It might be a little unbelieveable to some friends that there are people saying I am very cold. Yep, I was and I will be.

But I believe it's just fate, even for a just a period of time, bringing us together.

I am just being selfish all the time, projecting the image of my perfect partner onto him. I am just being horrible all the time, trying to change his life. I have no rights as all. I am just being unrealistic, living in my own little world, dragging him around.

Sometimes I wish I could restart this lesson again. Maybe I wouldn't walk into his life, making in so painful for him.

Suddenly I feel I don't want to meet him, ... I dont want to see myself. I dont want to be learning anymore.

I guess another sorry wouldn't make him feel better. I am just making it too tiring, too difficult for him to love me. He is tired from work, yet I never could really provide comfort. I am always crying, I want him to quit smoking, I wish he would change his diet habits, I am just getting into his way of life.

I... have seen people suffering from illness they never thought would happen to them. My colleague, suffered from diabetics, kidney problems and almost going to be blind, because he never took care of his diet when young. My godmum, she died of lung cancer due to excessive smoking and drinking. I don't wish to see a person so close to me to suffer these pains.

But maybe, he would live happier if I don't care, if I am not around to just make life so restrictive. Maybe I just shouldn't be around at all. Non-value added existance.

Bitter. I have been feeling very bitter, sad and afraid since the day I heard about the Bali bombing inccident. That's partly why I cried when we were watching Saishuu Heiki Kanojo (The Last Love Song on this Little Planet) just now. It just feels like soon, the world would be like what is depicted in the story. Except that there's no Chise. Everyone will die after painful sufferings and misery. There will not be such a beautiful love story.

War, has absolutely no meaning, no matter how glamarous you try to put it. So what, if it's for defending your country, defending your religion and race, defending your love ones...in the end you are just taking away innocent lives and become a mindless killer. Would God praise you for killing because you want to protect your love? Would God condemn the people who died under your hands because you say they are evil? Would you rise to heaven to live in the world paved with gold while the others go to the burning hell?

We are all the same. Kill or be killed, we all will lay into the same soil and return to the same land. Why? Why fight?

I am afraid war would reach us. I don't want him or any other people to go. I don't want anyone to kill or be killed. There's no such thing as in the name of defending the country, kill them or be killed.

Feeling tired... I dunno why.

I am badly disturbed by the bombing in Bali that happened yesterday -_-... feel really really upset why must this things happen, and feel really really worried about what will happen next. Mushi-chan remains uncontactable with his locked sim card...I feel really uneasy.

Little is sick... seems to have contracted some skin disease. It looks like ringworm to me -_-... have to bring her to the vet today. I hope it didn't spread to other hamsters. Coming weekend, I plan to do a big wash up for the cages... Wonder if we should just have a big water bath for the hamsters too...

My ab muscles hurts after yesterday's gym work out, when I use that "stomach crunch" thingie -_-...

Suppose to spend my nite at the CO concert last nite, but half way Mushi-chan handphone got problem, so we had to leave the concert. Aye... anyway, there's always another time. I just find that the recent way the concerts are brought to the public in a too informal way... I dont really like it. It's too time consuming and a hindrance to the concert process with all that introductions and explanations. But then, it's part of promoting Chinese Culture to Singaporean I guess.

Mushi-chan stayed over, since he has to go back camp today to do duty...next wed and thurs he might be going sailing...oof.. I was thinking if we could go out of Singapore for a day or two during the deepavali holidays, must ask him when he gets back.

Ah... there's still a bunch of things to do...the website, the x-mas cards project with Riyue.G and etc etc...

Feeling kinda tired recently, maybe I have been having too many activities.

Had spent some nice time with Mushi-chan =) He treated me to Pasta Cafe today ^^. We walked around Takashimaya a little before returning to my place, where we did a bit of shopping at the Pasar Malam.

I had a great shock to learn that one of my online friends (not very close) is dating with some jackass whom most of us dislike -_-... gees... I can't can't can't believe it. People says love makes one stupid... and I really agree with that. However, I think no matter what, love is a great thing... who knows they might really be for each other and change for the better. God bless them.

Mushi-chan is coming back! He smsed me while I was still stuck in bed, deciding if I should wake up or not. XD...XD...

Not a very nice day... started off getting irritated and stressed by my colleague who always behaves weirdly when my boss is not around. Or well... he has been getting weird... Then I had a stomach pain for about half an hour in the afternoon followed by a headache. I seriously wonder would I have contracted colon cancer or something to that... -_-...

Mum was talking about my dad's side family stuff to me during din. Apparently my eldest uncle got a maid to take care of my sick grandma and the household, and the fees is suppose to be shared among the siblings. My youngest aunt had to ask my eldest uncle to ask us to pay more, saying that my family earns more... WTF. They all have children who are old enough to help them to pay and my family only have me. As if we are really soaring in the sky with money like that. -_-... Mum was furious, saying that she brought her child (me) up, all by her own, while my grandma took care of all the other children of my uncles and aunties... duh... I know it sounds kinda unfilial, I also felt, we are already doing a part by sharing the fair amount, no more, no less.

My family is rather distant from the relatives, but we never hesitate to lend a helping hand whenever needed, and we never gain much benefit when there are also. So these people shouldn't ask too much. I really hates it when people step over my head and attempts to abuse my territory.

Thinking about Mushi-chan =3 He would be reaching SG soon... I would be busy for the next few days, but really enticipating to meet him at least on Friday evening. I want to go eat Cheeze Prata with him too...

Mushi-chan called last nite, just when I was going to bed... I am so glad I didn't sleep early or ignore the call. So glad to hear his voice, to know that he is safe and sound, though sick. He just reached Penang yesterday.

The conversation was short, since he is using other people's phone. Anyway, we were never good with conversing using the phone... it feels weird and there's always silent bits ^^U... ah well, I am very happy he had called.

I cut my hair.

Yah cut, short. Not trim or cut a bit. =P

Actually keeping long hair has a special meaning to me, known only to one or two friends... but I always thought long hair doesn't suit me much, though it makes me feel "more woman". I kinda felt short hair is more me, more like Fishy. I am never good with hair...Anyway, it felt a little strange, suddenly to feel a little lighter and emptier at the back of the neck.

Hope mushi-chan wont get a shock when he comes back.

To think that I refused to cut my hair for the role I was cosplaying during Youthopia... now I cut the hair and it looks like her hairstyle... hahah...

Weekend... going to be quite lonely one I guess. I almost mistook our freelance newsletter layout artist for him when the guy called in. Dreaming. Yah... but I really miss him.

Mushi-chan, I hope he is fine.

Finally decided to close Tranquil Sea for awhile for some revamp... but I thought some stuff should stay active...

I wonder how is Mushi-chan... is he having fun in Penang? Is his health alright? there's still 4 to 5 days more to his return. I don't feel particularly sad or lonely... just I miss him. Everyday would think about him, how and what he would be doing, wonder if I sms him, would he receive it...

I wish to be stronger, physically (curse my bad health) and mentally. So he can go for his trainings in peace.

Had been spending much time with Riyue.G recently. We went shopping last week and went to the gym yesterday. I never know it feels so good to work out after a day's work... I really feel so relax, even today. My shoulder, neck and upper back area are feeling really nice... unlike the usual tensed muscled and stiff feeling. Plan to go this saturday and next week... well, hope I can make it a point to go at least once every week.